Why am i a failure?

I had been introspecting today to understand the reasons as to why have I not been successful in life uptil now. I mean, my teachers, professors, bosses, friends and wellwishers have tired of telling me that I am a "high potential, low performance" guy. So today, I finally decide to do something about it! For starters, let me first diagnose the disease, before i try and cure it :-)

I believe the following have been the biggest reasons preventing my ascent:

a) I did not study / work hard - In school, college, MBA and jobs that I undertook, i never put in the effort that I should have. Essentially, I studied as much to ensure that I did not fail (which incidentally, i still did on numerous occasions!). At work, i tried to ensure to do as much to survive in the company, to survive the month, the quarter etc. In hindsight, it was just not the right work ethic at all. As to why did i NOT put in the hours, i delve deeper to find out the reasons.......

b) I did not have a "target" in mind - in places, times where I did not succeed, i realise now, that I did not have a specific target in mind. e.g. to score 90%, to be the best area manager in the region etc. Work, has thus been a "filler" in between sleep and weekends, rather than a place where I go to attain a goal. Thus, I have been reactive to situations, rather than being "ahead" of the game......

c) I did not "fear" failure - I think now, that it is healthy to be fearful of failure. Perhaps, that nervous energy is essential to channelise efforts optimally. I was casual about not being successful. It did not matter enough. None of my assignments were taken up as a last resort to be clung on to. I guess, sumtimes, it is critical to be in a do-or-die situation (no pun intended) to succeed.....

d) I did not have the extra "zing" to do well - When life got stretched, I cracked. When the long hours were to be put in, when the midnight oil was to be burnt, when a special effort was required, I went to sleep. I was not motivated enough to put in the extra mile, that last lunge, that night out to be victorious.......

e) I did not have a "future picture" in mind - Despite encountering this question in interviews for the past 12 years, I never had the answer for "what do i want to be in 5/10/20 years from now". I stayed confused because I did not put in the effort to figure out the answer. I continued to struggle because i lethargised rather than resolved. Such an image, i think, is the rudder which helps overcome a drowning ship in trying circumstances. It is probably the star, which one continues to see, despite the thunderstorms. For me, rain clouds were enough to wash my vision away......

f) I felt confused about the "rat race" - I never could assimilate and clearly establish my relationship with the "rat race" - I mean, is it derogatory to be part of it? Or is it good to be "in" it? Should I be happy and try my best to succeed? Or should I just stand away and proclaim to be not a part of it? (and thus ahead, in sum strange way!) When i failed, I was quick to admonish the drudgery, the sycophancy, the unfairness and the element of chance in success. When, on few occasions, i did succeed, i revelled in the glory, pointing out talent, hard work and how i created my own destiny! Deep inside, i was never at peace with the phenomenon......

This is thus my understanding. Your vies are welcome :-)

What do I want from a job?

I was introspecting today to figure out the real inner drivers towards a job for me. This is what I could identify!

Factors influencing the job that I want to do - fundamental questions

1)it shud have hi quality people/ information around me
2)it shud be beneficial to society/ country
3)it shud give me good money
4)it shud prepare me for the future
5)it shud have variety, not monotony
6)it shud have flexible work times/ long leave
7)it shud be intellectually stimulating
8)it shud affect/influence large section of society

the reasons for the same as I could understand were respectively:

1) so that I learn and be a better person/professional
2) so that I perform with conviction
3) so that I can have financial security
4) Whatever I am learning should substantially help me in my BIG PLAN of life
5) so that I am learning newer things frequently
6) so that I can balance work-personal life and recharge myself
7) so that I can peak my faculties and feel properly "used"
8) it would make me feel "powerful" and worthy

I then assigned weights to individual reasons and tried to fit in various jobs that I could have / may have had earlier to realise which ones are the best fit! Is my reasoning right? Does this list need editing?

your views are welcome! :-)